Memories

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A week ago today I snapped my last maternity picture, and packed my bag to head into the hospital in the morning. I wanted to remember everything about this pregnancy, milestone pictures included. The drive to the hospital that next morning was the most silent, painful drive we’ve driven. One thing I have taken away from all of this is that life is, truly a miracle. We have always been pro-life. We have always believed life begins at conception, but there is something about seeing the perfectly formed body of a second trimester baby that will rock your world. 10 perfect fingers and toes, ears, nose, mouth, eyes, belly and legs and every single little part knit together. I stumbled onto the account of a mom who has delivered two beautiful stillborn baby girls in the past few years and her words were life. “He is perfect. He has dignity not because he taught us a lesson or because his story can help many. He has dignity simply because he is God’s creation.” The days following that death revealing ultrasound I scrambled for answers. What did I do? What could I have done differently? I replayed the week he passed in my head over and over. What did I eat? What did I use to clean? What was my workout schedule like? Was I too stressed? Where did I go? We have no answers, and we won’t have answers. Sometimes there are no answers. Sometimes God doesn’t reveal answers to remind us that we are not in control. If I had answers- that means I can possibly control a future pregnancy. I can take it all into my own hands and attempt to control the outcome. False control, of course. We don’t really have control. We are not in control and the withholding of answers is a painful, yet comforting reminder of that. Our life is not our own- but it remains in the hands of a caring and loving creator who cares not only for me- but he loved this baby even more than we did. He knew every detail of his body, his life, and his birth from the second he was created, and it is well. ?

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November 2nd • Thankful for friendships, old and new. Today I sat on a friends couch and she fed me chili and made me laugh. These flowers are from a friend who brought them to the hospital before Gabe was born. She asked me if I needed anything and I told her I wanted flowers- because I was still having a baby? and she brought flowers. The best of friends. And losing Gabe has brought a whole new community of friendship into my life as well. All of the sweet moms who have been through this, who have reached out to me and we’ve begun talking and getting to know each other, our connection bittersweet. Friends who know when to reach out and when to leave me alone ?. Blessed by each of them! #potterfall2018 #thankfulness #10000reasons

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I anxiously waited for this day. Worried about how I would feel. If I would be able to enjoy my family. If I would be swallowed whole by grief – the pain of the missing should-be-31-week growing belly. A little glimmer of goodness I did receive from the Lord instead, was being able to wake up today in complete peace. Not overwhelmed with grief, but with the ability to truly enjoy it all. Slowly learning how to live with the pain, and counting every good day as a beautiful gift. Because of the birth of Jesus, things will not always be this way, and that too is an eternal gift. “How lucky are we to have had something that made saying goodbye so hard.” -Winnie the Pooh ?(yes I just quoted Winnie the Pooh ??)

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I’ve been hesitant to pray for anything good or hopeful for months, because I’ve felt the pain of the unanswered prayer and dreams ripped from my hands. In the back of my head has been a constant “he may not. He could not. Sometimes, he will not.” But today I woke up and decided to go to church and the sermon (on prayer) spoke deeply to where I have been. Afraid to pray- knowing he may not. Today we got on our knees and prayed and I’m reminded of how deeply the Lord desires us to pray- even in our weakness and with all of our doubts. Fast forward to after service and we stopped in to my favorite coffee shop. I had seen this sleeve hanging on the pay it forward board for a few weeks, afraid to claim it for myself. But today I decided to claim it and to pray it. Because he desires good for our lives. He desires life for our lives (and yes- amidst the hard and suffering and pain. I’m in no way pushing prosperity gospel here) and I’m standing on that. And because even if not- he is still good. ? #potterwinter2018 #lifeafterloss #2ndtrimesterloss #waitingforrainbow #rainbowbaby

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