Memories

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A week ago today I snapped my last maternity picture, and packed my bag to head into the hospital in the morning. I wanted to remember everything about this pregnancy, milestone pictures included. The drive to the hospital that next morning was the most silent, painful drive we’ve driven. One thing I have taken away from all of this is that life is, truly a miracle. We have always been pro-life. We have always believed life begins at conception, but there is something about seeing the perfectly formed body of a second trimester baby that will rock your world. 10 perfect fingers and toes, ears, nose, mouth, eyes, belly and legs and every single little part knit together. I stumbled onto the account of a mom who has delivered two beautiful stillborn baby girls in the past few years and her words were life. “He is perfect. He has dignity not because he taught us a lesson or because his story can help many. He has dignity simply because he is God’s creation.” The days following that death revealing ultrasound I scrambled for answers. What did I do? What could I have done differently? I replayed the week he passed in my head over and over. What did I eat? What did I use to clean? What was my workout schedule like? Was I too stressed? Where did I go? We have no answers, and we won’t have answers. Sometimes there are no answers. Sometimes God doesn’t reveal answers to remind us that we are not in control. If I had answers- that means I can possibly control a future pregnancy. I can take it all into my own hands and attempt to control the outcome. False control, of course. We don’t really have control. We are not in control and the withholding of answers is a painful, yet comforting reminder of that. Our life is not our own- but it remains in the hands of a caring and loving creator who cares not only for me- but he loved this baby even more than we did. He knew every detail of his body, his life, and his birth from the second he was created, and it is well. 💙

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